Stop Lying to Yourself

For the past few months, I’ve been lying to myself; telling myself that I feel okay and certain things don’t bother me, then I’d consciously partake in acts of self-destruction.

I’ve been trying to steer my mind away from something to protect everything else that is me. In the recent few days, it’s been becoming more difficult to do so. I’d meditate, get fresh air, write, and anything else I know that’d help clear my head, and for a menial amount of time, I’d feel light again. Only hours or a day later, I’d soon fall into a foggy mental state and I’d repeat steps one through five to feel “good” again. Yesterday I gave in and allowed my mind to destroy me. I let myself feel what I’ve been avoiding these past few months. This morning I woke up with a raging headache along with those imprinted lines you get when you have a restful sleep.

There’s a park right outside the library I go to and every time I am at the library, the walkway surrounding the lake calls to me, but I’ve never listened, only imagined. Today, I listened, not only to the calls of a much needed walk, but to myself. I put my headphones in, played my favorite piano playlist on Spotify and felt my weights begin to melt away. There’s something about piano music that brings the world to life in my eyes and it’s the most amazing feeling. My current favorite is Before There Was You by Michael Dulin. There was so many birds flying over the lake and ducks surrounding, all the life that I feel like I’ve been missing over the past few months was beginning to fill me once again and everything began to fall clear.

Whenever I would catch myself thinking of something I didn’t want myself to, I’d attempt to shift my mind to something else as a distraction, as I’ve learned is the best way to have your mind let something go. More on this here: The Mind, the Puppet Master. One of my “default modes” is rumination… | by Vanessa Leanne | Oct, 2021 | Medium. I know when I am lacking sleep even if I don’t feel tired because my mind tends to become lazy and allow these disturbing thoughts in more frequently. Soon, I’d be having to re-shift my focus constantly and it made me feel as a failure and exceedingly menial in comparison to my thoughts. The mind’s power over the body is…intense to say the least. I fell hopeless and gave in more often than not to these thoughts and soon they flooded my mind without any chance of being redirected, or so it felt this way. I realized, though, that the point isn’t to completely rid the thought, for that will only create more temptation for rumination. Rather, it’s the constant distraction itself to create an accustomed habit in doing so, and only then will the thought soon diminish. Attempting this is also not a neglection of sentiment, but to strengthen them in resilience as well. I wasn’t allowing myself to feel anything and soon, I felt almost nothing but as a blank slate.

I’ve also come to a realization that I obtain a deep distrust with the world. There was an older man, possibly mid forties, who was walking the opposing direction toward me. I tried my hardest not to look at him because in my head, I already deemed him as untrustworthy with bad intension; there wasn’t anyone else around but him and I. As he inched closer, I felt his eyes on me and finally, I looked…he waved and smiled as he passed along. I always mention that my parents are paranoid of the world and buried deep in my mind that the world is a terribly awful place at every corner imaginable. I realized that I was never open to seeing how it had impacted me in various other ways. I always thought that because I have faced my fears and anxieties, I had cleared out this paranoia and perspective on the world. Today I realized there is more layers to it than face value. The book I’m currently reading (and almost done with, review/summary soon!) has spoke on how humans react to the world as a single dimension, that we don’t obtain abstract thought often enough. This book has definitely shifted my perspective on myself and the world in a great way and has showed me that there is still much to work on with myself.

I sat at a picnic table in front of the lake to watch the countless ducks sleeping, bathing, and swimming. I had this deep urge to pull out my phone so I didn’t come off as “weird.” It’s like when you’re in a room of people and you pull out your phone to ease your discomfort. Instead of rushing to my phone, I watched the ducks and questioned myself as to why I felt uncomfortable. I have also been learning about judgement and how we use it towards the world and ourselves. This discomfort came to me because I was judging myself from another’s eyes. I failed to take into account how at peace I felt in mere existence in the presence of the ducks and allowed the world to rush into my head without a second thought of hesitation. I decided to stay there until this discomfort of judgement had passed.

As of now, I feel truly cleansed of mind and all else. I have come to terms with my thoughts in being honest with myself and allowing to feel what I need to feel as I also work alongside my mind. More than anything, I wish to learn to become friends with the world instead of fearing it and seeing it as a dark place full of people who yearn to act with the worst intention. I feel hopeful. Though I have much to work on with myself, I know there is only greater things ahead and I can persevere without a fear of judgement.

Have you read yesterday’s post?: How to Become A Successful Freelance Writer | by Vanessa Leanne | Nov, 2021 | Medium

Where to find me: Vanessa Leanne (@vanessa_leannee) • Instagram photos and videos