Open Letters II
I love you; I love you so much & I only hope that I have expressed this enough for you to know & feel this to be true. I also hope that I’ve expressed my most sincere gratitude for having you in my life & all that you have done for me.
Writing this, I’ll be honest, I’m growing to be a bit choked up because I know that recently I maybe haven’t been the best at showing you or giving you a reason to believe I love you. But I promise you that I do not & will never have any reason to hate you…ever. Maybe we both rub each other the wrong way oftentimes or hurt each other without the intent to, but I also know you love me too. I feel it, I see it…& you’re right, I don’t know truly what it feels like to care for someone as you do me & there’s a reason for that.
I’m sorry for what I said the other night…it slipped & I didn’t mean it. I just- I feel suffocated…I am beyond grateful to have someone as you to care about me & be there for me, but at some point you have to trust that you did the best you could with me & let me go. No matter how far I go or how long I’m gone, I will always come back to you.
These past few months, ever since I told you I was leaving, have been rough on both of us. I can see it & feel this also. I know it’s rough on you because, well, I’ve lived with you my whole life & come March everything will change. I know, too, that you also worry because of other aspects, but I truly believe that even though the world is a terrible place & there are some things working against me, regardless of what mishaps I encounter, everything will be okay. Even though you drive me crazy sometimes, there is only 1 thing I wish were different about you…& it would be for you to be (sincerely) cheering me on instead of piling guilt on my shoulders. I feel as though there has been this wedge between us lately & I’m truly trying my best at helping it decrease…it’s been difficult & some days are more so than others.
The bottom line is…I’m leaving. I’m living my life for myself & following those things that call to me. I don’t see the life you oh, so long for me to choose…But, I absolutely refuse to leave knowing I didn’t do my part in attempting to remove [at least] the most menial of this wedge. More than anything, I want us to be stronger & closer from this. I love you.