I’m Losing My Mind
Whenever one loses something familiar, a big change occurs in their life, or both happen simultaneously, part of the grieving process is slowly losing the memories associated with the individual and/or situation; in a psychological sense, we begin to lose our minds.
If you haven’t read any of my recent posts within the past few days, I’ve picked up all that I had left to my name and moved to Victoria, BC, temporarily.
I’ve always had a thirst for seeing various environments, and the longer I held out, the deeper this dehydration burrowed. After some time of saving, I was able to make my dreams a reality, which I’ll be forever grateful for…but I’m beginning to feel the withdrawals of my decision.
I’ve talked about Philippe Petit a few times, whom is one of my idols; he’s a French tightrope walker from the 70’s that would perform insane (and illegal) stunts, such as tightrope walking across Notre Dame, the Sydney Harbor Bridge, and various other famous landmarks as such. My favorite walk, and his most famous, was between the Twin Towers.
What I admire most about Petit was his passion, courage, and [somewhat arrogant] stubbornness against a safety net; he performed as a duet, just him and his wire.
This inspired me; besides, what’s life without a little risk? I sold my car and had someone else move into my room before I left. I have nothing left to my old life, all I have to my name remains with me.
Over the past couple days, I’d have moments throughout the day where I’d think to myself, I wish I was here for a shorter amount of time, I wish I could go home now, Maybe I could go visit home for the remainder of my time in this city, etc. etc.
Our minds tend to offer a “last ditch effort” when we find ourselves amidst a loss or change. It favors the certain and will bribe us any way to go back to the familiar one more time, but in my experience, one more time is never the last.
The thing is, though, I’m not miserable, I’m not in danger, I’m not struggling; I’m having the greatest time and feel more as myself than I ever have. Though, as these memories of my past life, such as implementing my daily routine, inside jokes, familiarity, and all else in between begins to fade, I possess a deep urge to hold on though it has already gone.
As these memories of what I no longer obtain begin to slip, they have also taken their toll.
A couple nights ago, I was actually looking at flights back home because of this.
I’m losing my mind…but I’ve come to understand that it’s the process of change and of greater growth.
This is my life now, in BC.
I have nothing left of what has passed, merely memories that I can truly appreciate more than I ever had.