The current time is 10:13 p.m. My alarm is set for 4:30 a.m. & usually, even if I don’t have to wake up before the sun, I’m in bed by roughly 8:30–9:00 p.m., & sometimes 9:30 p.m. if I’m feeling a tad rebellious. 3 weeks ago my short-term goals were the following: get over you, stay off Instagram until I am, read a new self-help book each month. The past 3 weeks felt like it has been an eternity. I’m doing that thing again where I’m trying. It’s like when you say “stop thinking about purple giraffes” & a purple giraffe pops in your head & you find yourself daydreaming about purple giraffes day in & out. I’ve learned that to reach any goal, you must accomplish it indirectly. So, I’ve been trying to keep busy; starting new writing projects, doing more things that make me happy, exist simply in each moment, read, etc., etc.
The last time we spoke, I rambled…horribly. &, as always when I find myself in this state, I said the wrong thing & most likely it came off the wrong way. Let me back up a bit…the last time I spoke to you because you decided silence was your best option recently. Maybe I come on too strong…but I don’t know who else to be. Over the past couple years that I have gorged myself in self-help & psychology, I feel as though it made me into a robot. I lost touch with my emotions, which isn’t saying much because I handle emotions chaotically regardless. I swam way too deep into my mind unlocking every human secret there was to know (well, a majority of them.) I lost my sense of emotion & lived with only mind; a very unbalanced way to live…& I plummeted.
As you know, things went downhill rather quickly, & I take a majority of the blame for that. I’d like to say I would take it all, but I was the only one that had attempted to fix my mistakes…nonetheless, I do not find myself angry with you. You had every reason for what you said & leaving me in a void of silence. I don’t blame you & I forgive you though you have not apologized, & I do not expect one either. I ramble when I do because it’s my emotions getting in the way of my mind. I’ve been trying to get back in touch with my emotions by reading poetry again, I’ve also been writing poetry again as well; I have you to thank for the inspiration for that. I also rambled then because I was not sure where you stood with me, so I feared crossing a line [again] or coming off as insane. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will always look insane because I’m not afraid to say what’s on my mind. So, here it goes, what I really wanted to say that day:
I am more than just attracted to you. There’s something your eyes tell me about you that I must know. & it’s not because I’m nosy, but because I see something in you that I feel. Maybe I wasn’t telling the whole truth when I said I couldn’t read your mind. Call me crazy, but I’m into you. I was into you from the start, but had convinced myself to not show it & pretend that it didn’t exist; I was only thinking then, neglecting my true sentiments.
There was a part of me that wanted to be with you & I know that’s insane because we come from two very different [& distant] parts of the world, but…I love havoc. Simplicity is drab. But you’re gone now so it doesn’t really matter anymore. Truth be told, if you asked me if we could start over, I wouldn’t waste any time in saying yes. I saw that you are doing really well & I’m so happy for you, truly, sincerely, deeply; I am. I wish I could’ve spoke more simply to you then; “I want you, damn it” would’ve been suffice in comparison to the novel I wrote you. I’m embarrassed. But I am certain I have embarrassed you & made you feel stupid, so it’s fair that I feel as a fool. I’m not over you & I haven’t a clue when that will be, but I decided to carry on with this weight I feel instead of trying to lift it off myself. I hope this finds you well.