Brink of Insanity…Yet Again

Photo by: Vanessa Leanne “Pastel in Every Way”
  • For the past month or so, I have been attempting what felt like my hardest to shift my focus away from a certain aspect in my mind that was a bother. I didn’t want to let it in simply because I feared what would happen if I had confronted this issue. Dealing with emotions in a healthy manner is fairly foreign to me. For a while, I was able to brush it off and go on with my days per usual. In November, it felt as if these intrusive thoughts came back with vengeance with the agenda to win; it became far more difficult to push them away and one day, I gave in and allowed them to destroy me. Since then, I’ve been feeling immensely off beat and definitely not myself. A majority of November can be described as this: empty, numb to the outside world, disconnected from self and others, and a sinking feeling in my chest. I truly feel absolutely nothing but a void and when I don’t, I’m either anxious or feel heavily weighed down. Thankfully it hasn’t been every day and I’m feeling as if the color is returning back to me today, but it’s definitely been a challenging November against myself.
  • On a more positive note, I have tried Oatmilk Nog and it is the most delicious Eggnog I have ever had in my life! 10/10 recommend in coffee!
  • Nobody asked, but I have a newfound love of birds. I’d give it all up to be a bird living in Paris surviving off of croissant crumbs; preferably dove, preferably almond.
  • I haven’t drank in some time; mainly because the last time I did, I made the biggest fool of myself and not in a good way. For so long, I have run to alcohol when I became melancholy that it has grown to be a deep-rooted habit. I drank in November- To be fair, though, it was my birth month, so it’s acceptable that I did…right? Well, that’s what I’ve been telling myself, but the honest reason is that I’ve been in a funk and… well, old habits die hard.
Photo by: Vanessa Leanne “Birds on Film”
  • As stated, it was my birth month in November! I am officially twenty-four. Insane to me that I made it this far. As a kid, you don’t really think about being twenty, or twenty-four, but one day you blink, and you wake up having to do taxes, being nagged at for not being married yet, and have to get yet another oil change. I’m not complaining, though, I feel there are great things ahead and am beyond thankful to have been able to be alive twenty-four years.
  • I’ve been trying to drill into my mind that what I possess in the current moment is enough. Because of this, I have put a pause on planning for my trip in March. The more and more I planned, the more anxious I became to flee. I can’t express how ready I am for the next chapter of my life to start abroad, but I’ve been planning this for some time, so I know it is enough just as much as the current moment and my current situation is enough.
  • I forgot to mention in last month’s recap that I snapped my arm. I always hurt myself in the most idiotic ways; I was scared by a pigeon. My arm hasn’t truly been the same since, but in contradiction to my incident, I did something that I’ve always wanted to do…I began taking jiu jitsu classes! I love it so much; it has really helped boost my confidence and stabilize my mind a bit as well. It’s insane to me, though, that our classes are more of practice than learning; I come home bruised and practically beaten only to be achingly sore the next day. Nonetheless, definitely thankful I have decided to follow through with something I’ve always wanted to. My instructor also tells me that I am “aggressively feisty,” so I’ll be okay.
Photo by: Vanessa Leanne “The Metal Bird in the Sky”
  • With my mental health slipping, writing, and taking a new class I must attend, I decided to drop my psychology course again to keep less on my plate until further notice. But have been reading a new psychology/self-help book roughly every month, so I feel as if it balances out.
  • I decided that I am going to put an end to the idea of writing a self-help book, for now. Having less on my plate right now is my priority along with my mental, emotional, and physical state. I also simply enjoy writing what I wish to say on my blog, so a self-help book doesn’t look too promising in the near future but will always post as much on it as I can here!
  • The last self-help book I read, Life Unscripted, showed me that there is much, much more to learn. I will forever be a work in progress but have learned a lot of myself and am glad to have been able to become who I am today. My old self is foreign to the current I; just know, if I knew you before Fall, you don’t know me now.
  • I’ve been going on a walk around the lake at the park near the library I go to, definitely the most peaceful and serene aspect to my life. Listening to piano music is a must when doing so. I feel as if piano music brings the world to life.
  • My sister moved out and took her cat, Felix. He was my baby as much as hers. I miss him but have been seeing it as an opportunity to practice loss and change; happy to report it has been going well.
Photo by: Vanessa Leanne “Felix, Candid”
  • I’ve been looking into becoming a travel agent. I’m pretty organized when it comes to trip planning and have found a new love for it while doing my own. Just a thought out loud…
  • I feel as though I found the city I want to live in when I am done travelling and ready to settle my life; Quebec City! it is the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen! Will most likely merely stay in the Spring/Summer months because cold weather and I don’t mix well. Also just a thought out loud, though.



Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Vanessa Leanne

Vanessa Leanne

Vanessa (n.): Writer, reader, & coffee enthusiast. A lover of 20th century poetry, abstract/contemporary art, & almond croissants at any given moment.